Eugene Konash gives us the sales pitch you won’t get from the Russian Tourist Board…

no one is going to believe you | ladies’ night and the feeling’s right | wedding belles | fat, blood and alcohol

No one is going to believe you
With Europe long turned into a beaten track, Thailand sprawling with tourists and Beirut still smoking, and I don’t mean the good kind of smoke, Moscow is the only place where you can really do anything and everything – no one at home is going to believe you anyway. It’s hell, and in hell you can have a great time.

In its transition from communism to apparent capitalism, Russia went from one extreme to another. And what comes with a change of this magnitude? Freedom. Freedom from authority and responsibility, as well as freedom to enjoy Ukrainian dynamic triple trance (illegal everywhere except Texas) mixed with James Blunt in the most creative of venues (by creative I mean: a club in Moscow was recently shut down after allegations that it sold coke and pills in its vending machines).

Moscow is the place where partying only stops when the snow melts and it never melts (forget global warming, you’ll be lucky to see the sun here). Recently on my way out of the club, I saw a group of paramedics trying to resuscitate a clubber; while somewhere in UK, a polite crowd of spectators would gather, sigh and subsequently be dispersed by the police. In Moscow on the other hand, a group of girls pulled up to the scene in a shiny SUV, opened all the doors to blast out some pumping beats, and proceeded to dance and have a good time until the paramedics carried the cadaver to the ambulance.

Ladies’ night and the feeling’s right
Living in UK, I have noticed that most clubs and crowded places here have one problem that unites all of them. That problem is the atrociously small (0.01) number of girls per one (1) dude. This is great for that one nymphomaniac girl in the crowd, but most definitely bad for almost everyone else (not including, for statistical accuracy, those who gender bend and those with non-orthodox orientations). To combat this situation, I suggest that UK clubs follow a system invented in the Moscow club, ‘Hungry Duck’. The guys at the Duck have gone one step further than pathetic free entrance for girls. Between 10 and 12 every Thursday, the ladies are let loose on free (yes, free!) vodka – as much as they want or can handle. It’s amazing what your average girl will blossom into after having half a litre of the free stuff, especially when they only let the guys in at 12. I don’t want to sound rude – but if you want to establish a short-term relationship, your biggest challenge of the night is to ensure that your lady friend can hold her drink or you’ll enjoy only the fantastic experience of holding her hair back while she feeds the loo (re: scene with the lizards from Fear and Loathing in Vegas).

Obviously that sort of an evening out does not appeal to everyone and it’s presumptuous of me to think that a person goes in to a club just to meet someone to share a bed with. There also are some clubs where you can also enjoy the music, the dancing and concoctions which are slightly more complex than vodka straight or vodka on ice. Unfortunately these types of clubs also share one of Moscow’s main shortcomings from the clubbing perspective. Unless you are a mini-oligarch or a modelesque girl with your spleen showing through your ribs, the only way you can go pass the face-control is by wearing your own body weight in gold or D&G and Gucci labels. Then again it does keep some unwanted characters out and when you do finally get in, the feeling is comparable to graduation day or maybe your birth.

Wedding belles
Now what Moscow is really famous for, other than the magical nightlife, are the ladies. Sure, they lack the emancipation, education and determination to never procreate like their EU compatriots. But they really make up for it in every other department. The stereotype of a heavy weight Russian weightlifter girl – crushing a tractor is long gone, although to those who like that kind of thing it’s reassuring to know that the local pimps cater to every whim of taste and fancy. And what better proof of the beauty of Russian women, than the simple statistical fact – that finally and wholeheartedly amount of Russian brides entering EU has outnumbered the Thai ones. Now that is really saying something!

Fat, blood and alcohol
I feel that I should also write something about the culinary delights that await you in Moscow. First, and most surprising, the people of Moscow only eat sushi – it sounds crazy and it is. Why would you pay a hefty sum of money for something that will most likely leave you crawling around your bathroom for several days? Most tourists should stick to local cuisine of borsch and various mayonnaise based fabrications which serve a double purpose of keeping your cholesterol at an all time high, as well as reducing the risk of alcohol poisoning by sheer volume of fat in blood – the risk that as an average cheapskate student tourist you are likely to face the minute you try the cheapass homebrew vodka from your local supermarket.

If at this point in this educational article, you still haven’t bought your Aeroflot tickets, then Moscow is probably not for you. You should probably take a nice relaxing trip to Swindon or something – because you’re obviously not ready for Russia.

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