Sean Barnes has been there, done that, but not yet got the degree. Still, he offers you this advice…

“Sean,” my editor said, “you’re a really cool guy. You’re outgoing, adventurous, and you never go to lectures or tutorials – you must have loads of stories to tell.” I smiled and nodded. “So,” he continued, “I’d like you to write about a few of them for our freshers. A thousand words should do it.” [In reality this happened in an email but a little dramatic embellishment won’t hurt] He put the phone down. My next word was a four letter one, it has that brilliantly Anglo-Saxon guttural sound and it described my sentiments perfectly. “Shit.”

For, despite never going to lectures, I tend to spend my days inside my house, playing Pro Evo or reading about football. But mainly playing Pro Evo. The amount of stories I could tell about that most noble of digital pursuits is quite scary. But racking my brains in sheer desperation I was surprised to find that beneath the Playstation haze there are many memories and anecdotes that are relevant, at least mildly amusing and could come in handy. Most of them happened in the first few weeks before I bought a 28” widescreen TV to join the PS2 and Pro Evo already in my room (which soon became widely known as the Pro Evo room, for obvious reasons), but to my utter disbelief some actually happened post-Pro Evo – how I managed to drag myself away I have no idea – and I shall now give you a list. Things you need to do, things you might want to do, and things you shouldn’t do. You don’t need to live by this list, but if I had a list like this when I started University, lets just say I wouldn’t be as good at Pro Evo as I am now. And that is the tragedy of it all: I am far too proud of how good I am at Pro Evo. It is not a badge of honour, it is a badge of need-to-get-out-more shame. And shamed I am.

Things You Must Do
- Visit the top of the Cathedral. You need appropriate footwear and three English pounds but it’s worth it to see what is an amazing view: the wonderful architecture, the glorious meandering might of mother nature, and the concrete atrocity that is the DSU building. Thousands of people down below - you may even be able to pick out the Big Issue seller near Market Square. Actually, never mind seeing her, you’ll probably still be able to hear her. “Big Issue please!” (you’ll learn, in time)

- Attend a lecture while not simply hungover, but actually still rat arsed. It helps if you haven’t had any sleep, or if you have some sort of permanent marking on your face, like I did the day I went to two law lectures covered in felt-tipped penises that refused to wash off. This was not the worst of it, however. I also had ‘I love Leeds’ adorned across my forehead. I nearly died of shame.

- Go to Klute, Studio and Loveshack all in the same night. If you’re really hardcore, you could even go for pre-drinks in Walkabout and then on to Jimmy Allens beforehand. For those of you unaware of Durham’s nightlife, this isn’t just a drinking route; it’s every single club in Durham. Do this on your first night and never experience anything new for the rest of your three years here. Enjoy.

- Attempt a ‘scruffy coup’ (I should trademark that) of Castle college bar. This is the much favoured pastime of rugby and football socials alike; attempting to gain entry into Castle bar while dressed unkemptly, usually in Pub Golf gear, only to be refused entry in fear of lowering the standards of such a pristine college. Even scantily clad girls on netball and cheerleading socials have been known to be refused entry. Damn their principles…

Things You Might Want To Do
-Sacrifice your night out for the good of all of Durham by agreeing to buy 20 copies of the Big Issue off the woman who sells it, in return for her promise to just shut. The hell. Up. (trust me, you’ll learn)

- For one day, buy the whole of your daily food intake from Greggs. From glorious pasties to pizza baguettes, through chocolate muffins to the majestic steak bake, everyone’s a winner.

- Set off a fire extinguisher in your corridor, and spray it in peoples’ faces. Okay, so it’s dangerous, it’s costly, and can lead to a lot of unhappy corridor-mates (I was the victim of one such attack), but everyone needs to get it out of their system once. Then report yourself in so the extinguisher can get replaced. For the unprincipled among you, do it anonymously.

-Have sex in the library. In the main library, you can get private reading rooms, but that’s cheating, so a better bet is to go to the Law Library on Palace Green, go in Room 3 (the main one), and just walk to the back to the last row of books. You can do it doggy style against the shelves. Keep it quiet, and no one will ever know…

-Do something you shouldn’t have and blame it on another college (most people dislike Hatfield, so it’s safe to target them). I remember once our football team had a friendly on the Maiden Castle pitches that had been deemed too wet and chopped up for a competitive league match. They warned us we’d be damaging the pitches so we weren’t allowed to, but we did it anyway. Then, when we saw them approaching us, surely to dock us points in the league, we shout, making sure they hear us, ‘Run, Hatfield!’, and duly run away. Brilliant.

Things You Don’t Want To Do
-Accidentally set off a fire alarm early in the morning. While it can be fun seeing just who appears out of whose room (and trust me, there have been some crackers in the past), people will hate you forever. This is one thing that can be forgiven, but never forgotten. Extra hate points for it being something completely retarded like seeing what would happen if you put a rich tea biscuit in a toaster.

-Sleep with, or especially fall in love with, a lecturer or tutor. This can have stupendously disastrous consequences, especially if the lecturer is married… (I shall say no more)

-I don’t want to get too concerned with sleeping with people (because, though you may hear otherwise, University is about more than alcohol and sex), but a dinner lady/cleaner shaped notch on the bed post is not big or clever. True, in some instances (it happens more than you could possibly imagine) it can lead to legendary status, but in the vast majority of cases it leads to awkwardness of biblical proportions. BIBLICAL.

- Swim in the river. Hopefully if you have an ounce of sense you’ll look at it and realise this for yourself. Those of you who think the brownness is a trick of the light you should be warned that it is not – it is the colour of death and disease. Inhale any of that water and you will be quarantined and tested on. Bill Bryson may even write a book about you. ‘The student who turned into cholera’.

-Lastly, don’t be shy in freshers’ week. Don’t be shy at all, in fact. People are nice, people are friendly, and you should really take the time to enjoy your three or more years
here. It needn’t be drinking and shagging, it needn’t be ‘cool’ and avoiding lectures, it could just be sat by the river and appreciating things. How beautiful Durham is, how much free time you have, how you’re surrounded by friends, and how, though you may eventually escape the wrath of Big Issue Lady (trust me, you’ll learn), University is a time to treasure and enjoy. Don’t let it slip by unnoticed.